Luther and I are always off on our travels, and as you know, we both love listening to some retarded local wailing about his tribal history. Well, last summer while admiring the fjords in Finland we heard from some friends about a new record label who were planning to export some of the local talent to other countries. The following is part of a press-release sent out by the new company (we've left in their funny little mistakes so as not to appear rude):

 

Hi, KALEVALA is Finlands most very national label. We have decided to make some of our english language records available for the international market. The plan is to release numerous 7" singles, E.P.'s and long playing albums, from our back catalogue, over the next few months. We have just negotiating a deal with Finnmart U.K., a company specializing in the distribution of quality Finland produce (including our world famous Koskenkorva vodka - "Try some and die".) We hope you are enjoying our Finland music. If there are questions you have about our artist - please fax us question, we will try to answer them. Regards Matti Virtanen

  Obviously, Luther and I got straight onto the company, inquiring about showcasing some of their acts at a dinner party I was throwing, but we soon withdrew our invitation after receiving the following reply:

 
• DRACULA'S DAUGHTER

  Perhaps if I tell you the four girls who make up Dracula's Daughter prefer to be called artists rather
  than musicians, you get the picture!

  Paivi Talvernsaari (guitar/vocals) - video artist
  Aija Vanska (bass/vocals) - Helsinki film festival cordinator
  Marja Kirjava (organ) - contemporary art gallery curator
  Leena Tornkvist (drums) - 70's funk DJ

  Ask them their biggest influence they tell you without hesitation Kristina Bruuk (quest vocal on
  "Candy") Andy Warhol and the young british art scene. Before signing with Kalevala the girls have
  released two english-speaking EP's on their own label. These recordings were only available in few
  selective book shops and art galleries in Finland and Scandinavia. To see Dracula's Daughter playing
  live is a very rare priviledge and usually only in selective art events and private celebrity parties. The
  girls are not interested in gigging and touring in particular.
  
   

• THE FUCKERS

  We are proud that Kalevala is home to world's only Lapp punk band. The guys are punking for 
  more than one decade already and still nobody like them, ha ha! But they do not care because they
  hate everybody and everything! Except your english cider!

  The Fuckers is made of:

  Billy Fuck (vocals)
  Nasty Fuck (quitar) 
  J.J. Fuck (bass) 
  Sick Fuck (drums)

  Not like Dracula's Daughter The Fuckers are gigging all the time (276 shows in Finland and
  Scandinavia in last 12 months!) The guys like to play at beer festivals (do you have cider festivals in
  UK?) and have a 100% record of turn up at these shows in particular. Maybe they will become as big 
  as Green Day. What do you think?
  
   

• THE DAYTONAS

  Buzz, Uri, Hank, Speedy, Cosmo, Boris and Ghandi are seven brothers of same family. The poor
  mother you say! But no. This incredible lady is manager of this fastest in the world surfbeat band!
  The guys started to play in 1962 and are touring most of the time since then but now they have
  not been back to a recording studio since 1965. The surfbeat craze is very big here in Finland in early
  1960's and The Daytonas stay loyal to this style with now some quite old followers of them back
  home.

  Hank is father to Aija Vanska from Dracula's Daughter and was introduces to UK film maker Gimpo
  at Helsinki film festival in 1996. The single "Faster Gimpo Faster! Kill! Kill! Kill!" is written to
  honour Gimpo.
  
   

• KRISTINA BRUUK

  our english saying "a cat with nine lives" very well descibes the life of this incredible lady. She
  flees her home town of Tallinn, Estonia in late 1960's and soon becomes lover and muse of Peter
  Darklord, very influential poet/philosopher/musician in Finland in 1960's.

  Kristina nearly become famous model but heroin addiction and periods as alcoholic (of which she is
  OK now to talk) brings years of obscureness with now and again dark and soul-bearing records for
  various record labels. She is now resident in Helsinki the past twenty years where she build a big cult
  following with art and student communnity and appear on occasion to give informal concerts with
  maybe only one quitarist to accompany.

  Guest vocals on "Candy" by Dracula's Daughter givels Kristina another chance for success. A new LP
  will be released in December and concerts in UK in negotiation.
  
   

• GIMPO

  Underground UK film maker who met Aija Vanska from Dracula's Daughter at Helsinki film festival
  in 1996. Aija has love with Pertti Hurme of High End World Reciever (top Helsinki techno act) and
  Pertii persuades Gimpo to make a recording during his stay in Helsinki after hearing some really
  wild storys from Gimpo about his life as drugs, girls and techno music.

  Gimpo is formerly veteran of UK war with Argentine in Falklan Islands and has made film of top UK
  rave band K Foundation.

  We hope to make record deal with Gimpo for moer material but he is tricky guy to get
  commitment! Lets cross fingers since we think this is very talented guy and maybe huge rave act in
  Finland and Scandinavia.
  
   

• AURORA BOREALIS

  This is collective of musicians from Lapland who live outside from society. They come together on
  ocassions to make ethereal sounds which they say are musical paintings of the bleak and dreamy
  landscapes of their homeland.

  It take many months of persuading these hermit people to the recording studio and so we "handle with
  care" their rare records and do not try to exploit to much the potential.
  
   

• THE BLIZZARD KING

  One of Finland's most successful artists in the domestic market. The Blizzard King records his own
  compositions in finnish and records cover versions of english and american songs in english.

  This guy is mysterious. He lives on a small island where he make compositions and mend his
  fishing nets (oh yeah! He also find time to do his other job of fisherman but Kalevala hope not for to
  long now!)

  This guy is very deep and thinking. He does not making music for money he says "Music is no for
  buy and sell. Music is for survival". This huge guy is captivating presence. His voice will haunt you.
  
   

• MOLTEN ROCK

  Ice biker music is originally in Finland since the middle of 1970's and this genre of music is the very
  heavy and hard metal and Molten Rock is the most heavy and hard of the ice biker bands in our
  country.

  They make their recordings live in their gang club house. "Recording studio is for girls!" say Molten
  Rock.

  They play always so long back anybody remembers the classical Led Zeppelin "Immigrant Song" and
  youth in Finland believes it Molten Rock who write the song in the original! Ha ha!
  
   

• GORMENGHAST

  Big name in progressive rock music here in Finland as well as very huge in eastern europe and
  baltics. Twenty four LP's of instrumental music in twenty four years since the band come together in
  1973!

  Peter Darklord, a legend in his own life, still lead the band today. Still heavy under the influence of
  Nietzche (philosopher), Wagner (classical composer) and The Kalevala (Finland's most national and
  epic story).

  "Gormenghast is no just music, it is philosophy of life" say Peter Darklord.
  

I'm sure you can understand when I say that I do not want these sort of wild, uncontrolled, primal rythyms being brought to our country by a bunch of junkies and murderers.
I have written to my MP, who's a personal friend of mine and Luther's, and he has assured me that no more of the Kalevala records will be allowed in to this country, unfortunately he informs me that 500 records by some of the artists were shipped to irresponsible stores before the ban was put in place.
If you see these records report them to me and Luther.

Next season we look at the ritual songs of shamans on the amazon and ask "Do these indians really take as many drugs as Keith Richards? If so, should their chanting be banned too?"